It's amazing the things your heart can learn if only you'd open it a little to grow.

I've been walking with Christ almost my whole life, yet my heart has never stopped growing. There have been times where I've slowed the process down with my stubbornness or pride. But God is God and He gets the message through to me in the end...

Lately, as I've mentioned in a previous blog, He's been trying to teach me about humbleness. It's an interesting one to learn. Not because I'm resistant to it, but because I'm not quite sure how to actually learn it. How do you learn to be humble? There are verses all throughout the Bible that mention humbleness; how God will give grace to the humble, how God will save those who are humble, how He crowns the humble, how He esteems the humble. He commands us to "be completely humble and gentle," "to humble ourselves before Him and He will lift us up," "to humble ourselves under God's mighty hand, that he may lift us up in due time." But I don't know exactly what it looks like all the time.

I know a one quality of a humble person is they always put themselves last. But even in trying to be humble, I think pride can seep in when you refuse to ever not be last. I know another one comes into play when someone compliments you and you try not to make what they're complimenting on a big deal. But even in that, where do you draw the line between being humble and refusing a compliment? Then of course there's the whole servant's heart factor. But that can turn into having a heart like Martha, when all Jesus really wants is a heart like Mary.

I can try as best I can to be humble, however that looks, and I know God will delight in it because He sees my heart. But it hit me yesterday that in some cases, I don't have to try to be humble...humility will fall on me all by itself. We were at one of our ministry locations finishing up teachings. Before we ended for the day, the people were asked to give a few testimonies about how ICM has helped them and changed their lifestyles. A woman stood up and started talking. She was speaking in her language, so I couldn't understand her. I leaned over to ask Christine, our ICM staff member, to translate. She said that the woman had lost her husband a few months back, and had been worried about how she was going to take care of her family and had been worried about what was going to happen to them. Then she started attending the ICM teachings and Bible studies. She gave her life to Christ and also started applying what ICM was teaching her. Her life was changed drastically. She said that she now knows she's not alone, and it gives her hope. The next woman stood up and again, I asked Christine to translate. This woman started attending the ICM teachings just so she could receive the rice that they pass out at the end. But eventually, she couldn't deny her heart any longer, and she accepted Christ as her Lord and Savior. She started talking about how much He's taken care of her and her family, how through all the trials and pain she's experienced, she knows that He's been there, and that He'll always be there to take care of her. She knows her Lord and His faithfulness and she thanks Him everyday for the life that she has.

"You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you've fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place."

The last few days have been absolutely incredible with Jesus. He's been completely stealing my heart and beckoning me to come spend time with Him. Some of the times I've felt Him call, I haven't gone. I was busy doing other things, or told Him I'd come later. But other times, when I've felt Him calling to my heart, I couldn't deny Him and went to Him. And the times that I've gone to Him when He called have been absolutely amazing. Those times made me question myself why I don't go to Him every time He calls. Why wouldn't I want to go spend time with the Lover of my soul? Why wouldn't I want to be swept away by my Beloved? What could possibly be more important than what He wants to do with me when He beckons me?

Nothing.

At the beginning of our salvation, or after God renews us, we go through a period of time where we can't get enough of Him. We're reading our Bibles all the time, we're praying and worshiping everyday. But somewhere in there, over a period of time, we start to get into a routine. Things start to become normal and the awe is lost. And in doing this, our spirits become stagnant. This is the point when we start to grow weary of the Christian walk. We are doing all these things for Jesus, serving Him and serving people. Yet even as we're working for Him, we are missing the most crucial part of our walk. We're forsaking our first Love because He gets lost in all of our efforts to serve Him. He loves when we serve Him by helping others, or by doing service projects or whatever. But too many of us lose the relationship part of our walk with Him. All Jesus wants is our love and affection. All He wants is a relationship with us. And like it says in that verse, when we forsake our first Love, even unintentionally, our lampstand gets removed. This is when we get tired, and start questioning where God is, or start doubting. It's because we're not doing what we did at the beginning! I feel like He says to us, "Remember when you were completely satisfied in me? When in my presence, you had complete fullness of joy? I miss you. Come back and be with Me..."

And that's what I've done. It's what He's been slowly doing with me. And it's made all the difference in the world. I got baptized today, and I've never had a baptism mean so much to me or have so much significance. God has made me a completely whole and completely new person in the last two years, but most of all, the last two months. Every step I've taken, every inch I've crawled, every tear I've cried, every victory we've had, have brought me to this very moment. He's been bringing me back to Him, my first Love. And now I'm sealed with Him, and there's nothing behind me anymore. I'm starting new. I'm at the beginning. And this time, I'm not going to forsake my first Love. How could I? There's no one like Him. No one can do to my heart what He can. No one can take care of my life like He can. I'm so in love with Him. I've made my vows, no turning around. I've burned the bridges. I am His.

We were told on the way to be aware of the spiritual atmosphere, that it was a very desolate place. Most of the staff hate their jobs and don't want to be there. The people living there do the same things almost everyday with not much hope of anything else. So when we got there, I wasn't surprised to walk in and get choked up almost immediately. The place smelled of cigarette smoke and must, mixed with cleaning solution and food. Walking down the hallways past the bedrooms, we saw their lives strewn out everywhere. Every room was the same. Each had two single beds, two dressers, a sink and a fan going for lack of air conditioning. There were also thin hospital-like curtains that could give them a bit of privacy. We walked outside into the courtyard where a lot of people sat, smoking tiny cigarettes that they had rolled themselves. This is what they did everyday.

I talked to a few different people there, all of them sweet and just looking for someone to listen to them. I was happy to oblige. Stuart was the last person I talked to that day. He was sitting already talking to a few of my teammates. I joined them and listened to what he was saying. I found out a lot about his story. He became a soldier at the age of twenty-four. And not just any soldier. He was in the special forces, part of Black Watch regiment. He was among those who went all over the world to rescue POWs. There are things he can't talk about for another fifty years. His real name isn't even Stuart. He went on to tell us stories of experiences I've only seen and heard of in movies. He told us story after story of him killing men, women and children...with weapons or his bare hands. They trained him to be a killing machine. He can also fly just about anything, and shoot with anything you put in his hands. We all sat mesmerized, mouths open, listening to these crazy things that a part of you doesn't want to believe as more than just a cool story. It's one thing to see them in movies or read them in books, but to hear them first hand felt...off. Watching him speak, seeing his eyes take him back to those places, something in my spirit felt sick. So I said,

"These are cool stories, but they're hard for you to talk about aren't they?"
He replied, "Yes, they are. I'd like to stop now please."

So I tried to change the subject, asking him to tell me a happy memory. But even that was a story from war. It's all he could remember. I asked him what he did before he became a soldier. He told us he was a mechanic. He also told us that he used to play guitar, and was so talented that he had an agent. He said he's played with Queen, with Status Quo, and with tons of other famous bands. I asked him if he was saved and he said yes. He said he talks to God all the time.

"Does God ever talk back?" I asked.
"Yes," he said.
"What does He say to you?"
"To take things one day at a time, and that everything is going to get better."
"Have you found peace?"
"No, not yet. I'm still searching for it."

February 8^th, 2010

Dear Tyler,

"Our God works in mysterious ways."

It's a phrase that's been said all throughout history. How true of a statement it is...
Too often we try to understand His ways. But He says Himself that "his ways are not our ways, nor his thoughts our thoughts." Plus, if we could understand God, He wouldn't be able to inspire awe. And I love standing in awe of Him.

God has taught me more lessons in the last year than I could possibly count. But I'm only going to talk about one. I've mentioned it in another blog a few months ago, but God has taken me even deeper into this truth.

In the past, I was always afraid to expect things. To me, if I didn't have expectations, there was no way I could be let down. And ironically, I was most afraid to expect anything from God. But over and over, time after time, He's said to me, "Come expecting, Eryn."  So, whenever I worked up enough courage to come expecting, God would do one of two things: He'd either blow my expectations out of the water, or He wouldn't meet them in the way I wanted Him to. And unfortunately, I would tend to focus on the times He didn't show up or act in the way I expected Him to, which led to a lack of trust. I was kind of a Debbie-Downer. ;) But recently, the words that have been constantly spoken to me have finally sunk in. It took a lot of pain, a lot of fighting and praying, but it's finally hit me. I will always come expecting God to do something amazing. But I'm not going to have specific expectations. He's going to show up, and that's all there is to it. He's going to move, He's going to act, He's going to speak. It just won't always be in the way we want Him to, and we have to be okay with that.

Last Sunday, we met a man named Biel-pronounced Bill-at the church service we attended. He is a Sudanese refugee who came to Australia eight years ago with his wife and six kids to escape the wars that were going on in Sudan. He invited a few of us over to his house to talk. We went over there and talked with him and met his family. Ultimately, we agreed to attend and help his church service. We spoke with the rest of the team, and started getting really excited, imagining a church full of Sudanese refugees and getting to lead worship and give a sermon. We had expectations. We went there today and walked into a church with about twenty people, mostly men. We led in two songs of worship, and sat down the rest of the time. Not what we expected. Does that mean that God didn't show up? We were able to bless them with our presence, and encourage them with our faith and our mission. Did God move? You bet.

Later, I was in the meeting room here at the YWAM base, and there's a piano, a drumset, a guitar, a conga drum, and an electric guitar. First, there was just one person playing the piano beautifully, which is what brought me up there. It makes my spirit soar to listen to the piano. Then, someone came over and started banging the conga drum. Next, someone else came and picked up the electric guitar. Finally, someone sat down at the drumset. And what started out as someone screwing around on the piano turned into a fullout jam session, with me and another one of them randomly singing. The Spirit fell and it was the most beautiful moment-the sound of Heaven. :) I hadn't gone into that with much expectations except to listen to some pretty music. Did God show up? Did He ever! Another lesson to always come expecting.

"Our God works in mysterious ways." Yes, yes He does. I wouldn't have it any other way.

At some point in our walk with Christ, we all wonder about Heaven.