May the Lamb of God receive the reward of His suffering.
I was listening to a prophetic worship artist named Jonathan David Helser. And he has a track on one of his albums called "May the Lamb of God Receive the Reward of His Suffering." It's not a song. The entire track for five minutes is just person after person saying that statement, speaking it out. Over and over, overlapping each other, loudly, quietly, man, woman, child, just proclaiming that. And about two minutes into it, something shifted inside of me. My heart was moved.
So many times in the Bible, it talks about us receiving a reward, receiving blessings, receiving a prize. More and more though, I'm realizing that absolutely nothing in my life is about me. Nothing. Everything, everything is about God and bringing glory to Him. It's about His will, His desires, His name, His pleasure, His life, His praise, His worship. Him. That's it. And He is God, so He can do whatever He chooses to bring glory to His name. In Romans 9:17, it says, "For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, 'I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.' Therefore, God has mercy on whom he chooses to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden." Pharaoh had turned his heart from God, and God used it to bring glory to His name. I read it the other day and got upset and frustrated and had to wrestle with Him over it for a good while. That's another blog entirely... But to bring glory to His name, He can do whatever He wants. Writing it now is even hard because my mind can't comprehend His reasonings and understanding. But I have to remember that He is not a God of arrogance, and I can't compare Him to a man that is just power-hungry. He is sovereign. He is good. He is loving. He is merciful. He is our Father. And He sent His son to die for us. He sent His Lamb to be slaughtered so that we could live with Him and so that He could be one with us again. His desire is that all of us return to Him. He didn't come to suffer for nothing. God deserves the glory. Jesus, the Passover Lamb, deserves the reward for His suffering. And what is His reward? Us. Glorifying Him. His Bride, worshiping Him. Everything we do, say, think, should be out of love for Him, to solely bring Him glory so that the Lamb can receive His reward. Jesus will never have died in vain. Never. But I don't want to do anything that could even hint at that thought. Our lives are not about us. They're not about our desires, our pleasures, our comfort, our dreams, our battles, our victories, our jobs, our kids, our families, our ministries, our anything. So when we say that God just wants us to be happy, that's not true. God is more concerned with our character than our comfort.
But, thanks be to our Father that He loves His children and He cares about all those things because He knows that we do. I think this idea summarizes Matthew 6:33 in its truest and rawest form. It says, "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Along with that, Luke 11 says, "Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
God desires to give us good gifts. But only after we seek Him first. It's hard to do because we have a flesh and we have our own desires and dreams. But the very act of going after those first robs God of the chance to give them to us through a blessing. Read that again. If we really got this, and sought God first, how many more blessings could God give us? BUT, our lives are not even about the blessings we can receive! It's not about doing good so that we will reap a reward. It's about His glory! But in bringing Him glory, He blesses. It's how the circle is supposed to work. That's how it would be if we did it right, if we did all things in order to give the Lamb of God His reward. What would our lives look like if we did everything with His glory in mind? It would look like Jesus. And isn't that what we're supposed to look like? Isn't that what we're supposed to be living for?
What are you living for? Or I guess I should ask, who are you living for?
"T.I.A." is a phrase we use a lot here on the World Race. Whenever something crazy or unexpected happens, we just shrug our shoulders and say, "T.I.A." This Is Africa lol. Karibu! (Which means "Welcome" in Swahili.) This video is definitely a "T.I.A." moment. :)
Thailand was the most brutal battlefield my heart has ever
experienced…
…and I loved every minute of it.
I felt things that I never knew my heart could bear. I saw
things that my mind couldn’t comprehend, even as they happened right in front
of me. I watched as women catcalled to every man that came into their bar,
waving for them to come over. Even as my teammates and I walked in, they yelled
and hollered and waved at us, giving us all the attention and desire for our
company. In that moment, I completely understood how these men felt wanted. Anyone would feel wanted walking into
that bar. I watched helplessly as a forty-year-old man led his fifteen-year-old
purchase away for the night. I listened as girls
told me how much they hated their job. I listened as women told me how much they enjoyed their job, trying to convince
themselves more than me.Through
the week of visiting the same bar, I met and talked with a handful of
prostitutes, and not one of them fooled me for a second. I heard so many of
their stories. Their stories were my stories. I looked into their eyes and it could have been any girl I know looking back at me. All of them were young and
innocent once. All of them had families. All of them had hopes and dreams once.
And all of them took the steps that led them to where they were. Some were
forced. Some didn’t think there was any other choice. No matter what or how or
why, they were there. And all I wanted to do was get them out. Walking out of that
bar on our last night was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I felt like I
was leaving these women to the wolves. And they were sheep. Who was going to
fight for them? Who was going to walk into their bars without wanting anything
from them? Who was going to offer love and a smile without any underlying
desire behind it? They needed a Shepard to protect them from the wolves.
Christ calls us to be His hands and His feet. But with us gone, who was going
to be that for them? I was praying and crying to God about it and this is the
picture He gave me.
I am His light. I am completely filled with it. But in my
mind, I always pictured myself as a beam of light. Wherever I pointed it, light
would shine. But when I moved it, the light no longer shone there. It only lit
up where I was, and after I left, it was gone. But God showed me that I’m not a
beam. I am a fire. And wherever fire goes, it leaves a trail. Even after it
moves to go somewhere else, it remains where it just was. It spreads. So even
as I left Thailand, the fire remains. Light is still there.
And God’s fury is
still rising up there. He is their Shepard. They just don’t
know it yet. But one day, they will follow Him along streams of life and into
green pastures where they shall not want. And there will be no wolves to come
after them anymore.I believe it!
Thank you, Lord, that You fight for them. Thank You for
everything you did through me and to me this past month. I’m forever changed.
And so is Thailand. All the glory to You, Abba!
After being in Thailand for three weeks and doing some amazing ministry in Bangkok, we finally made our way to Pattaya, Thailand. It's the number one city in Thailand, and one of the top cities in the world, for human/sex trafficking. We were all pretty excited to go out our first night. This is what we had been waiting for all month. This is the reason I wanted to come to Thailand. After having my heart completely shattered already from all of the things we'd seen from our previous ministries, I didn't think it could possibly be shocked any more than it already had been.
I was wrong.
On our drive down to the heart of the Red Light District, I already felt myself feeling sick. I had a growing knot in my stomach, and an even bigger lump in my throat. I was praying in the Spirit before we even arrived. I felt like we were descending into hell. As soon as we got out of the car, my eyes were already filled with tears. We didn't go straight into it. We stopped and ate first. I was feeling so sick. I hated how the spiritual atmosphere was effecting me even physically. I made myself eat before we headed out. I didn't really know what the plan was for the evening. None of us did. We were just going to walk and pray and listen for the Spirit's direction.
We made our way to Walking Street. It's the main street/strip of bars and pubs and clubs where most of the "transactions" take place. But it happens everywhere else too. All down the street that ran along the beach, there were women everywhere, and men--mostly old men--shopping for the one that was good enough or pretty enough for their taste. Walking down the road, men would shove pictures of women in your face and the price for what they offer. Music is blaring from every bar and club, competing for attention. There was this one alley that we walked down that was full of Ladyboys. Everywhere I looked, I saw Satan's playground. I can't describe to you exactly how I was feeling. The best way I can explain is that I felt like a little girl seeing the bad things in the world for the first time. Don't get me wrong, I've never been ignorant or blind. I've known that these things were happening. But until I saw it for myself with my own eyes, I never would have understood the magnitude or the reality of it all. God told me to keep my eyes open. I couldn't stop praying. It was not an option. If I had stopped praying, I would have been overtaken.
The women were very interested in us...a couple of white women taking a stroll down alleys and Walking Street. They were all very friendly and some of them were excited to see us. They'd wave or make any excuse to talk to us. We handed out tracts and cards for The Tamar Center. (Click the link to find out info.) And we watched. All the time, I just watched. I looked straight into the eyes of every man who passed me on the street, hoping that they could see Jesus looking back at them and feel convicted just for a long enough moment to make them go home. I smiled at every woman whose eyes I caught. And I prayed. Unceasingly.
In just one night, I saw enough of Satan's power to feel the hopelessness that surrounded me. I felt the spirits of Lust and Perversion like sticky wax. I felt Deceivement and Hatred trying to choke me. I've never been in a spiritually darker place than Pattaya. But in the middle of the Red Light District, I clung to the Truth with everything that was inside of me. I know it's kind of corny, but God gave me a thought. Since He is inside me, and He is the Light of the world, that means that He is shining through me. I am the Green Light. The opposite of Satan's Red Light. I am Heaven. He is hell. I am good. He is evil. I am day. He is night. God has power. Satan has power. God has authority. But Satan has no authority. That's the difference.
We've only been out twice. And there's more to say. But I'll save some things for other blogs. :) Please be praying extra for me this week. It's more intense than I can make you understand.
Grace~ the freely given, undeserved favor and love of God
Amazing Grace! Oh, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now...I'm found! I once was blind, but now I see. It was Grace that taught my heart to fear, and through Grace, my fears were released. How precious it was when that Grace appeared the hour I first believed! I've already come through many dangers, toils and snares. It's been Grace that has brought me this far, and it is Grace that will lead me home. The Lord has promised good to me. His word secures my hope. He will be my Shield and Portion as long as I live. When my heart and flesh fail, and my mortal life ends, I will possess a life of joy and peace within the veil! While I've been here for ten thousand years, shining as bright as the sun, I have not one day less to sing of God's Grace than the day I first began. Amazing Grace! Oh, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now...I'm found. I once was blind, but now I see.
If we could all come to fully understand the power in this song, I don't think any of us would ever be able to stop crying. I sat in church this past Sunday and heard the most beautifully moving version of it that I've ever heard in my life. A man who has had leprosy for most of his life...his face sagging, wiping drool from his mouth every few seconds, his body wasting away, his fingers gone, his sight gone, his hearing almost gone...stood up with all the strength he had, and sang his heart out to his King. I don't know if anyone else I've ever met can understand Grace like him. Because even though his life is soon to be over from the disease that has eaten him away, he knows and believes that God loves him. If anyone has a reason to question where God is, or if He loves, it is this man. Yet, he never doubts it. He never questions it. He clings to the amazing Grace that holds his life together.
Happy Birthday, Uncle! :) I'll see you in Paradise.
Our ministry this first half of the month has been working with leprosy patients. Everyday we go over an hour away to a leprosy colony where we visit people in their homes, help clean their homes and do their laundry. We have also been to the hospital a few times to visit with patients there. And I don't think any amount of preparation could have made my heart ready for what was about to happen to it.
Many people have been "cured." Leprosy never leaves the body, but remains dormant inside for the rest of your life. But for too many of them, it's too late. We came upon such a woman. We were visiting a different building of the hospital than we visited before. And it was a whole new experience. This building was for the terminal cases. All the patients had their own "cubicles" with a cot/bed and nightstand. They were all decorated like they were trying to decorate their homes. Because these were their homes. Some women had been there for twenty years. We were visiting with a woman and talking with her about her life. While I was standing there at the end of her bed, I glanced in the cubicle next to hers. My stomach dropped. What I saw...she didn't even look human at first glance. I looked away. But it was just one of those things where I couldn't not look at her. She was skin and bone. Except usually, whenever I've seen people that are thin, their skin is stretched tight over their bones. This woman's skin hung from her. Her face was hanging from lack of muscles or nerves. She had no fingers, and her feet had been cut off. She was bald and tiny. And just watching her, I could tell she...wasn't all there. We finally went to her cubicle. Our friend Fone tried to talk to her. She either couldn't hear her, or couldn't understand her. She was pitiful and pathetic, scratching herself against her bed because she had no fingers, drooling because she had no way to stop it. She only understood her life to be about eating and sleeping. She couldn't do or accept anything else. My chest tightened. I could have sworn that my heart was being ripped into pieces this time. I felt so...wrong...standing there just looking at her. Like she was some animal in a cage and we were all just staring. It felt wrong. I couldn't do it. I felt like I was exploiting her just by watching her. Which is why there aren't any pictures in this blog.
I walked away. I sat in a chair around the corner and prayed. And my thought was, Death is in this place. I felt sick and dizzy and my head hurt. But nothing compared to the pain in my heart. I just couldn't, can't, understand how she could come to be like that. How could this happen? I wanted to scream out loud. Why? Why her? How? I was so angry. Someone needed to give me an answer! I wanted an answer! But I knew that this was another question without an answer. Looking at her in that moment, I could understand how people can look at the world and not believe in God, just in looking at her. This woman, and so many others, are prisoners in their own minds and bodies. All day they sit, eat, sleep, wait, and that's about it. They completely have to rely on another human being to take care of their basic needs. While I sat there, I noticed another woman trying so hard to do the simplest things. She was blind and she was feeling around to find her drink and straw. And then she was trying to do something else. For minutes, I watched her, and I was trying so hard to just figure out what she wanted so I could help her. I asked God desperately, "Lord, what does she want??" I felt helpless. It was a theme feeling all day.
As a writer, I want so badly to be able to construe in writing how I'm feeling and what I've seen. But it's impossible. And that's frustrating. Nothing I say will make people get it. Because my words can't touch the feelings and the experiences. I felt God's urgency and frustration, I guess. He just wants us to get it. A woman said today that she was just waiting to die. I wanted so badly for her to get it. To understand this hope of true Life. I felt like one small person in a dying world. But I have to cling to the greatness of my Jesus, who is bigger than death. He conquered it, after all.
This is just one story and lesson out of the millions that I'm learning everyday. I only hope that they're doing something, anything, for someone reading about them.
From our orientation on prostitution and the Red Light District, we learned that not just women are involved in human trafficking. Men are forced into selling their bodies as well. Many are forced to get sex changes so that they can get more business. Sometimes, they are pretty easy to spot. But most of the time, you wouldn't even be able to tell unless you look closely. You can usually spot them because of their face structure or their Adams apple. These "women" are called Ladyboys.
Today was my first time seeing one.
We were riding in the back of a truck formed into a taxi with bench seats and a roof. Kind of like Jeepnies from the Philippines. But "she" came onto the truck and sat down. She was wearing a super short, bright pink dress. She had long hair, makeup, heels, painted toes and nails, and a purse. At first glance, most people would see just a woman. But she sat down across from me, and I looked at her and immediately thought something wasn't right about her from the looks of her face. We caught each others eyes for just a moment, but there was an exchange in just that short glance. She looked at me and I looked at her, and I knew that she knew Who was looking back at her from inside of me. And she knew that I knew who she was.
She looked away, almost like she had been caught in a crime. The Light was shining on her.
As we sat there, I studied her to confirm what I already knew. Sure enough, she had an Adams apple. She was petite enough, though her hands and feet seemed more masculine. And just something about her face gave her away, at least to me. With a closer look, I noticed scars and old marks on her. There was one that looked like a cigarette burn on her arm, and other marks up her legs. (see blog "As It Is In Heaven.") The old familiar tightening in my chest came on me as my heart felt for her. What kind of pain and torture had this person been through? I couldn't begin to imagine. I didn't want to. I looked at her face pointedly and she looked back at me for what could have been an awkwardly long few seconds. I gave her a kind smile, and she returned it with one that made my skin crawl. I knew it was the kind that she flashed at men and women to hook them. For just one second that seemed to last an eternity, my stomach felt sick. For just one second that stretched out into much longer, I felt a new emotion toward her: repulsion. For just one second, I knew I could look at her and be disgusted by her. And one second is all it took to realize the spiritual battle that was taking place right in that truck. All Satan needs is an opportunity. All he needs is a foothold. And I knew he wanted to use this second in time to get a hold on me.
Yes, to the world, what she is doing is disgusting. But you know what? We're all disgusting in whatever sin is in our lives. She's no worse than me, and I'm no better than her. Her sin is my sin, and your sin. Because there is no sin under Heaven that God looks at as worse than another. I wasn't going to give in to that snake's temptation. So I used the same second that he wanted to use for evil, and used it for good. I went to battle for her. I prayed fervently for her, and tears of compassion for her, and anger for the demons clinging to her, sprang to my eyes. What must this person be thinking, sitting on a truck full of white women? Did she feel shame? Did she feel condemned? Did she feel alone? Did she want to cry out to us for help? I don't know. I'll never know. But she's a person. And I can't for one second dare look down on her. Because a second is all it takes to fall.
This is war. And if I don't fight for them, then what the heck am I doing here? I love them. God, I love them so much. Give me more of Your heart for them. Keep breaking and showing and revealing. I want to go deeper, no matter how much it hurts.
I can pretty much guarantee that my blogs for the rest of this month aren't going to be cut and clean. They're going to be raw and unedited and real. So I warn you now that sometimes they might not make sense. Sometimes they'll be angry. Sometimes they'll be joyful. Sometimes they'll be prayers. Sometimes there will be pictures, and sometimes there won't. I would hope that you read anyway. But it's all my heart. So, here is my heart. Try and keep up. :)
Proverbs 20:30 reads,
"Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being."
I take that as talking about brokenness. Talking about the heart, the "inmost being." I think that it's talking about God breaking us so that everything will be stripped away until all that's left of us is Him.
My heart is in a continuous state of hurting. Just when I think that I can't take any more weight of reality and how painful it is, He brings more. I'm seeing new things with my physical eyes that I've never seen. I'm seeing new things with my spiritual eyes that I never thought I'd have the ability to see. Isaiah 54:2 says,
"Enlarge the place of your tent; stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes."
I feel like this is what He's doing with me. My world has only been what I've seen and experienced in my comfortable, American world. Sure, I've seen the ads and commercials with the little children and their swollen bellies and flies in their eyes. And yes, it breaks my heart. But there's nothing any commercial or picture could do compared to seeing things with your own eyes. I stand and look at people dying from a disease that they think they deserve from some sin they've committed in a past life. I see men and women selling their bodies as worthless things to be used because they don't think there's any other way to live. I see children playing bare foot in the street because they don't have enough money for shoes, when all the while, they're in factories making shoes that kids in America get to put on. My world has been so small in comparison. And God is stretching me. He is lengthening my cords and strengthening my stakes to be able to hold more of the reality that so many people have never seen. And it hurts. My world is enlarging. My world is stretching. My heart is breaking. And I don't think the pain of it all is going to stop. Because I'm just going deeper into this. God is taking me deeper into His heart. And His heart breaks for His children. His heart longs for them to call out to Him. I feel so small and insignificant sometimes when I look at the reality of this dying world. What can I do? I'm only one person. How do I do this? Where do I even start?
But then I remember...all the way, my Savior leads me. I might not have words to speak, or actions to take. I might not be able to do a thing. But I'm a light in this dark and dying generation. And the least I can do is light up the world. Hellen Keller put it beautifully:
"I am only one. But still, I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do."
If you read the blog "Pouring My Heart Out," this is part two to that.
Isn't it just like Satan to keep us silent. I didn't want to share with my team what I was struggling with because it was a very vulnerable subject, and it brought me shame. But they encouraged me to share with them anyway. And once I did, it was like a blinder was taken off and I could see God more clearly than I had in the last week. They brought many new perspectives and much encouragement to my heart. And I felt God overwhelming me with comfort. He had been through my entire struggle thus far, but confusion had blinded me. Perhaps when all we can see is our pain, that's when we lose sight of God. Yesterday, I heard a beautiful song for the first time, and God sealed up all of the comfort He had been giving me the last few days. It's called "Just give me Jesus."
Just give me Jesus, and I'll be alright
With Him I can make it, walking beside
I know my tomorrows are safe in His hand
Just give me Jesus, I know I can stand
So many distractions seem to cloud my way
With the cares of life surrounding, they can lead my heart astray
When I cannot find the answers, I know someone who can
In the middle of my questions, I reach for His hand
Just give me Jesus, and I'll be alright
With Him I can make it, walking beside
I know my tomorrows are safe in His hand
Just give me Jesus, I know I can stand
When I take my eyes off Jesus, and confusion starts to win
When my worries overwhelm me, and the battle reaches in
In that moment I remember, I know who is I AM
When the enemy comes rushing, I reach for His hand
Just give me Jesus, and I'll be alright
With Him I can make it, walking beside
I know my tomorrows are safe in His hand
Just give me Jesus, I know I can stand
We are servants of the King, and our future is secure
A crown of life is waiting, for all who will endure
When I stand before my Savior, and He reaches out to me
I'll lay all my crowns before Him, and fall to my knees
And cry,
Just give me Jesus and I'll be alright
With Him I can make it, walking beside
I know my tomorrows are safe in His hand
Just give me Jesus, I know I can stand
Just give me Jesus, I know I can stand
Things are hard right now. No doubt. It's a long road ahead. But while listening to this song, God gave me a picture and thought.
Jesus and I were walking down the road together, side by side. I glanced down at His hands and saw His scars. They were the most beautiful scars ever to be bore. The scars bearing the mark of His love for me. I took His hands and kissed the scars and brushed my fingers over them and then looked into His eyes. They were full of love, always full of love. And He reached His hand up to my face and brushed His hand over it. He leaned down and He kissed my face. I knew He thought I was beautiful. And He was showing me a parallel, and asking me a question. If this thing that I'm struggling with was to be scars marking my love for Him, would I be ok with that? First I was in awe at such a parallel, at such a comparison to His own scars bearing the marks of His love for me. When my struggle was put that way, I had never felt more ok with it in my life. If this is going to bring God glory, then this truly is me bearing the marks of my love for Him. This is part of my cross that He asks me to carry for Him.
It's going to be hard still. But Abba, I know who is I AM. I'm honored, humbled and in awe of Your revelation and perspective in me. It truly was breathtaking and so comforting and promising. And it was just another reminder that you always walk beside me. There are desires I have for my life, yes. Many that run deep. But in my heart and soul and spirit, if all I had was you, I would be alright. I know I would stand. You've always been the only One, Jesus, to keep me standing. Thank You, though, that You want and have more for me than just "alright." Please help me to trust in Your timing, and to learn contentment and joy in my circumstances. Jesus, I'm so in love with You.
Thank you friends, to all who have been praying for me. :)
I was listening to a prophetic worship artist named 
I felt things that I never knew my heart could bear. I saw
things that my mind couldn’t comprehend, even as they happened right in front
of me. I watched as women catcalled to every man that came into their bar,
waving for them to come over. Even as my teammates and I walked in, they yelled
and hollered and waved at us, giving us all the attention and desire for our
company. In that moment, I completely understood how these men felt wanted. Anyone would feel wanted walking into
that bar. I watched helplessly as a forty-year-old man led his fifteen-year-old
purchase away for the night. I listened as girls
told me how much they hated their job. I listened as women told me how much they enjoyed their job, trying to convince
themselves more than me.
them had hopes and dreams once.
And all of them took the steps that led them to where they were. Some were
forced. Some didn’t think there was any other choice. No matter what or how or
why, they were there. And all I wanted to do was get them out. Walking out of that
bar on our last night was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I felt like I
was leaving these women to the wolves. And they were sheep. Who was going to
fight for them? Who was going to walk into their bars without wanting anything
from them? Who was going to offer love and a smile without any underlying
desire behind it? They needed a Shepard to protect them from the wolves.
Christ calls us to be His hands and His feet. But with us gone, who was going
to be that for them? I was praying and crying to God about it and this is the
picture He gave me. 
And God’s fury is
still rising up there. He is their Shepard. They just don’t
know it yet. But one day, they will follow Him along streams of life and into
green pastures where they shall not want. And there will be no wolves to come
after them anymore.
After being in Thailand for three weeks and doing some ama
